Selfish
by rizandace
Summary: Merlin let one of the vials slip through his fingers and fall gently to the bed. He took a few shaky steps in Arthur's direction. He could feel himself steel against the inevitable pain of this interaction. He never thought he'd have to say goodbye to Arthur. Not again, and not like this. After everything. Post Season 4.


**Author's Note: Hey y'all! This story takes place some time way after series 4. Arthur knows about Merlin's magic. This fits into the same universe as my multi-chapter fics **_**Connected**_** and **_**Destiny**_**. You don't need to read them to understand this, but just for a reference point, Zoe is Arthur and Gwen's daughter, and Merlin is Godfather. If you want more information about that one, go check out **_**Connected **_**and **_**Destiny. **_**Anyways. The actual magical threat in this story is very vague, and I plan on this being a one-shot only, unless I get enough people wanting to know the full story… Thanks for your support! Enjoy.**

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Arthur Pendragon had no qualms about entering the Court Sorcerer's chambers without knocking, especially when said Court Sorcerer was being an infuriating _idiot_.

"I hope you realize how _selfish_ you're being," he snapped. Merlin was carefully packing several vials away in a small bag, taking the time to wrap each one carefully in a cloth before packing it. At Arthur's entrance, the sorcerer stopped and turned.

"Selfish?" he said. He narrowed his eyes, but his expression was devoid of heat. He had no fight left in him. He didn't want to argue with Arthur. Not today.

"_Yes_, selfish," Arthur fumed. "What you're doing is suicide." Merlin flinched as the king's voice broke on the last word.

Merlin let one of the vials slip through his fingers and fall gently to the bed. He took a few shaky steps in Arthur's direction. He could feel himself steel against the inevitable pain of this interaction. He never thought he'd have to say goodbye to Arthur. Not again, and not like this. After everything.

"Arthur… I'm so sorry."

Arthur's jaw clenched. His eyes froze on Merlin's face and then jerked away. They were standing only a foot apart, but the distance felt impossible to breach.

"We find another way." Arthurs voice was tight with an emotion most people would have called anger, but Merlin could identify as fear.

"If I don't go, Arthur…"

Arthur pulled air through his teeth in a hiss, and his eyes snapped back to Merlin's face. He took a step closer. If you _do_ go, Merlin, you _die_."

"I have no choice! You know as well as I do that I'm the only force in Camelot capable of defeating this sort of evil."

Arthur's eyes seemed brighter than usual. Merlin silently begged him not to cry. He didn't want to break down. Arthur took a long moment before he responded.

"If you won't stay for me, then what about Gaius? Or Gwen? _Zoe?_ Your god-daughter needs you, too."

Something cold landed abruptly in Merlin's stomach. Arthur's words pierced through him like knives, and suddenly he _was_ a bit angry. A cold, dead anger born of disbelief and exhaustion.

"If I won't stay for _you_?" Merlin snapped. If Arthur didn't know what he meant to Merlin by now… "If I thought – Gods, Arthur, if I thought for a _second_ that you weren't going to be alright – "

"I'm _not_ going to be!" Arthur burst out. They both froze. For a moment, Arthur contemplated feeling embarrassed, but the situation was too desperate for that. "I've known this pain before, Merlin, if you remember. I've spent time believing you dead, and it very nearly destroyed me."

Merlin could feel himself trembling. "I'm doing what I must to _save your life_."

"What makes my life so much more valuable than yours, huh?" Arthur growled. He was aware, abstractly, that they were only inches apart now, both with ram-rod postures and fists clenched at their sides.

"Uh, how about the fact that you're the _king_?" Merlin said sarcastically. "And you're a father! My life is _nothing_ compared to that."

Arthur very nearly punched him. "If you die, Zoe loses you. You mean the world to her, you _know_ that!"

"If I don't go, Camelot could fall. _All _of us could end up dead. Zoe might not reach her fifth birthday."

"I'm not saying – " Arthur huffed irritably, and turned away, breaking the intensity of their eye-contact. "Can't we just… think of something else?" He was aware that he sounded pathetic, but at the moment the proud king of Camelot could not find it in himself to care.

"I've tried. There is no other acceptable path."

"This isn't acceptable," Arthur muttered. He felt a cold sense of dread covering every inch of his skin. He was aware that there was nothing he could say to change Merlin's mind. It was done.

"I hope you realize that I don't – " Merlin broke off, struggling to find words. "I'm not any more thrilled about this than you are." He'd already said his goodbyes to everyone else. He'd held Zoe in his arms and smoothed the black curls away from her tiny brow. He'd kissed Gwen and let her sob into his shoulder. He'd hugged Gwaine, said farewell to the other knights, and spent an hour telling Gaius how much his support and love had changed him over the years. He hadn't been saving Arthur for last, exactly; he had rather hoped to avoid this particular goodbye altogether.

"Merlin." The name burned on Arthur's tongue. For a long time he could think of nothing else to say. He took a few shaky steps backwards, while Merlin turned back to the bed, wordlessly resuming his task of packing vials.

Slowly, Arthur took a few steps back towards Merlin, deeper into the room. He stopped just behind Merlin, his head by his friend's shoulder. His hand was shaking badly, but he managed to steady it enough to place it on Merlin's shoulder. He felt his friend tense under his touch, but he just tightened his grip. Merlin kept his eyes on his task as Arthur spoke. "Merlin. I don't want you to do this."

Merlin spun around and opened his mouth to argue, but Arthur cut him off.

"Shut up and let me say this. I _don't_ want you to go. But I recognize that not everything is about me, and I also know that I've never been able to get you to take care of yourself. So… I know you won't listen to me anyway."

Merlin's eyes widened slowly. "What?"

Arthur couldn't say the words. He couldn't articulate the concept _I'm letting you go_. It was absurd. Not Merlin. They were two sides of the same coin. They didn't ever give up on one another… but this was what it had come to. He didn't speak, because he couldn't.

Instead, Arthur pulled Merlin into a rare hug.

Merlin froze for a moment, but then hesitantly put his arms around Arthur, trying to stop himself from trembling. "You have to promise you'll be alright." His voice caught on the last word.

Arthur spoke, his voice muffled deep in Merlin's shoulder. "I'll do my best." He swallowed convulsively. "I wish you weren't doing this to me."

And there it was. _To me_. A response sprang unbidden to the tip of Merlin's tongue. He caught the words before they could escape and weighed them carefully before he sighed and let them slip through his lips.

"Who's being selfish now?"

Arthur just hugged him tighter.

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**Author's Note: Reviews are lovely!**


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